Making and maintaining friendships
This page shares some personal history with friendship, science and how to get the ball rolling in an unconventional way. It does not contain general friendship information as that should come naturally.
The art of friendships has been declining for the past decade. People move about, in new places you first turn to various people meeting events, big "local" group chats and friend making apps which end up with surface level connections that go nowhere.
The main thing with friendships is commitment and consistency. Think about the times you were most connected with people:
- At school or uni, seeing the same people and going to the same classes every day, who either had something in common with you already or opened you up to a new experience. They probably lived near you too so you'd go out and hang out all the time.
- At work; even if making close bonds with colleagues is a little awkward and asking to hang out after work might be tricky, you work together, discuss work and naturally feel close to them by simply seeing them every day.
- At an activity club where you already have something in common, but you might have been too shy to ask someone to meet up outside of it
In every one of these cases, you didn't just assume you're a bestie match immediately, and if you're not, never speak to that person again. You just saw them frequently, bonded over similar experiences, shared your day to day life and slowly got to know them.
You can watch this video to find out more about the science of friendships, but how do we translate this into a world where you don't speak to your neighbours, love to chat online anonymously, but also don't really care about these people you haven't met before and just want to fill up your social battery?
Just say things
The weirdest way I got fairly close to people who I haven't even met (because they live too far away) is posting in the #food channel discord on my uni server. It wasn't as busy as the others and the same couple people shared there quite consistently. I was a bit shy but when I cooked up a nice meal I decided to post it and got a few heart reactions which encouraged me to learn to cook better and post there, which made me stick around. After a few weeks I noticed that I kinda know what these people eat, if we had similar preferences, if they're cooking just for themselves or for multiple people, what their spice shelf looks like, and they knew the same about me. I may not know their faces but I know their vibe and that's enough.
How does this apply to making local friends? It would be a bit weird to interview each other like it's a job, go out to get coffee like it's a date, think you didn't vibe and abandon it. So instead of planning or thinking anything, just say things in whatever community you join. Use it almost like a social media feed. Something fun happened? You saw a cool thing? Having a rough day? Just share it! People will get to know you and eventually you might even want to hang out. Of course it might get ignored which brings us to...
Respond to others
No one likes to be ignored. You might think that you don't know this person and that you don't owe them anything, but you don't like being ignored either. You want someone to react to things you say and so do others, so make them feel good and say something about things they share! It doesn't have to be an in-depth analysis or a deep conversation, but just a short "oh that's cool how did you do that" does the job. Just don't leave them hanging as that might make them go silent forever and you'll never speak again.
Commit to the bit
It will feel uncomfortable at the start. It might feel like you're screaming into the void. But just keep doing it with small things (don't overshare or trauma dump, people find that quite overwhelming), push through and eventually something will click.
Be welcoming to new people
If you're successful with establishing that connection you might create a bit of an "in" group. But your community is still public and someone might join it. Put yourself in their shoes - everyone's friends already and you're just some random person, they don't care about what you have to say, they have their happiness already so you remain silent. Put yourself back to your own shoes. At one point you were that scared person, what would you want someone else to do?
It might feel like you're calling someone out but when you see a new name join, simply say hi. Ask them the general introduction question just to break the silence if they don't say anything themselves.
That might make them feel like they're still just being formally introduced, so randomly ping them in conversation. Planning something? Invite them and talk to them while there. Having a topic and you don't know something about this person? "Hey xyz, do you like this topic?". Just something to make them feel seen and not forgotten - we all like being seen and welcomed!